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The number one generator of happiness: relationships
Þriðjudagur, 30. mars 2010
[lćt ţetta bara allt flakka] ..here I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, though I am going to focus primarily on that, that includes intimate relationships in general, close friends, family members. The number one predictor of well-being. If you are asking about one thing that would make you happier: focus on your relationships. So let me talk a little bit about relationships. Again, this is just the tip of the iceberg. And I am going to talk about long term romantic relationships but many of these things apply to other relationships as well. First of all, if we look at the picture today, the state of affairs, things don't look great when it comes to long term relationships. Divorce, 40% level. That doesn't mean that the other 60% that stay together are necessarily happy. Many people stay together out of a sense of duty, or out of a sense of just.. well, we've been together so long - habit, so the state of affairs is not great and one of the reasons why it is not great is because part of us whether the god-given or evolution-given part, is not always conducive to long term relationships. What do I mean by that? A lot of research, and we don't need research for that, you know, we all know - is that novelty produces heightened level of arousal. And you see it with kids as well, you know something new immediately they would look to it, something natural, something that is innate. And that also applies to relationships. So, for example, I did this study in my seminar where I asked them to pick the most beautiful man and woman in the world, and they did and the man was, you want to venture a guess? Brad Pitt, yeah. And, these are, you know, deep thinking - (Harvard students). And the woman was, not his wife, Halle Berry. So the most beautiful man and most beautiful woman in the world. Imagine you were here with Brad Pitt or Halle Berry, whatever might be right for you, and not only were they drop-dead gorgeous, but they were also extremely intelligent, sensitive, nice, unconditionally accepting, helping you to simplify your life. So imagine that partner, ideal partner, and that person came to you one day, just walked through the door here, or back when before you were married, and said I love you and only you forever and you get married and you live lustily ever after. Right? Not exactly, because initially, you know the lust is there. You can't wait for Brad Pitt to come back from Troy or for Halle Berry to get out of her cat suit. And it's amazing, ecstasy. Then what happens after, say, five years? You know, Halle Berry walks through the door, or Brad walks through the door, and you have all these electrodes through your body and they measure your level of arousal and then a stranger walks in through the door, and that stranger is semi-attractive, you know not Brad Pitt or Halle Berry, but okay. How would you react to these two sides in terms of pure physical level of arousal? You would react much more to the new person. Why? Because over time we adapt. We get used to things. And sometimes it's good. For example, overcoming difficulties and hardships or losses, we've all either experienced or will experience loss. We adapt and it's a good thing. But we also adapt when it comes to relationships. Bad news, right? So what does that mean? Does that mean we shouldn't have long-term relationships? Does that mean we should be serial monogamists or serial polygamists? Is that in our nature? Not necessarily, because what we do see, what we do see is that for some people, sex does improve over time. Love does grow over time. And it happens. It's documented. We know people that this applies to. Maybe we experience it ourselves. And the fact that it does happen, means that the question is no longer "is it possible to sustain long term successful growing happy relationship?" It's not is it possible, but rather, "how is it possible?" and that's where positive psychology or psychology as a whole comes in. It's not whether it's possible, it's how is it possible. David Schnarch who has done a lot of research on the topic, in fact, shows, illustrates through research through his work and other people's work that the best sex, lovemaking that people have is usually later on in life. [JEEEEEEHA!!] And here is what he says: "Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated." Now, note what he is saying, he is talking about potential. Most people, most relationships don't realize the potential that lies in a relationship. So how do we realize that potential? I wanna draw on, again, just very little bit on two researchers on the topic. The first is John Gottman, highly recommended book on relationships. He's at Washington St. Louis. And here are some of the things that he talks about. First, he says that the main thing when he looks at successful relationships, long-term relationships, these are not relationships where everything is just smooth and great. There are ups and downs and, in fact, he found a ratio between positivity and negativity that for every five positive experiences, there is one negative experience. So for example, for every five you know, hugs or compliments or wonderful things we do together, there is perhaps an argument, a disagreement. Not everything is smooth in highly successful relationships. Don't eliminate the negative, no it doesn't mean there have to be screams. People disagree in different ways, in different relationships and he actually goes through these different ways in his book so it can be a quiet disagreement. But some negativity, why? Because disagreement provides a growth opportunity. [sjá Hamingja í samskiptum/samböndum] The most important work done in this area of passionate relationships was done by David Schnarch. His book, Passionate marriage. What he talks about is the importance within a relationship of being known rather than being validated, of differentiating oneself, of being fully oneself in a relationship. And when both partners become themselves over time, they become more and more intimate. Which is why we can have better relationships, better lovemaking after 20 years than after a year because we get to know one another. Now, this also has implications for many other areas. Think about going through life, wanting to be known rather than being validated. How much pressure would it take off us? How much pressure would it take off the relationship, that I'm not there to always get the nod from the other partner, but I really want to be known by the other partner, and in the long run, these are the most successful relationships. Where we open up, where we share, where we reveal ourselves. And that's not always easy. Because it's not just about putting a facade and looking great all the time. It's about exposing our fears, our insecurities. It's about saying what we want. It's about being assertive, in a respectful and positive way. It's not always easy in the short term. In the long term, this is what will lead to sustained and growing passion. It's about expressing being ourselves rather than constantly trying to impress. Now, it's natural to try to impress on a first date or even in the first year, but over time, to create and sustain a passionate meaningful relationship, we need to be known, we need to open up even though it is sometimes difficult.
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