So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - tray-up, Bitch."

"Fínt," svarar hinn og bætir við, "til hamingju með nýja ritarann. Hún er geðveikt flott maður!"

"Takk fyrir það," segir sá fyrri og bætir við: "Hvort sem þú trúir því eða ekki, þá er þetta vélmenni."

"Ekki séns, hvar fékkstu svoleiðis?"

"Þetta er glænýtt módel beint frá Japan. Ég skal sýna þér hvernig hún virkar. Ef ég kreisti hægra brjóstið, býr hún til kaffi. Ef ég kreisti það vinstra, þá skrifar hún fundargerð. Og það er ekki allt. Hún virkar líka sem kynlífsdúkka!"

"Nei, nú ertu að grínast?"

"Neibb, aldeilis ekki. Viltu prófa?"

Hinn heldur það nú og tekur hana með sér á klósettið. Allt gengur vel framan af, en eftir dágóða stund heyrast ægileg sársaukavein: "Eaaaaaaaaa... hjálp! Neeeeeeeiiiii."

"Ónei," hugsar eigandinn upphátt, "ég gleymdi að segja honum að rassinn á henni er yddari!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

Tók Jonni upp veskið, dró úr því tvöþúsund kall og spurði útigangsmanninn hvort hann vildi ekki kaupa sér bjór fyrir þetta í staðinn fyrir mat?
,,Nei það geri ég ekki, ég hætti að drekka fyrir mörgum árum.” – svaraði hann.

,,Viltu ekki frekar nota þetta smáræði til þess að fara að veiða – frekar en að kaupa mat? spurði Jonni í framhaldinu.
,, Nei ég sólunda ekki tíma mínum í slíkan óþarfa” - var svarið.

,,Viltu þá ekki eyða þessu í reiðtúr?” spurði Jonni.
,,Ertu vitlaus maður – ég hef ekki farið á hestbak í 20 ár”

,,En hvað um að kaupa þér kjöltudans eða mellu eða eitthvað svoleiðis – ég bæti við penging ef þarf ?”
,,Ég fæ nú bara einhverja sjúkdóma út úr svoleiðis vitleysu!” Svaraði sá heimilislausi.

Þá sagði Jonni þessum ógæfusama manni að hann ætlaði ekki að gefa honum neina peninga – heldur vildi hann bjóða honum heim með sér í þennan líka dýrindis kvöldverð hjá konunni.
Þá varð vesalingurinn frekar hissa og spurði Jonna hvort hann héldi ekki að konan yrði reið að draga þennan líka flækinginn inn í húsið – sem bæði lyktaði illa og væri svo illa til fara að engu húsi væri bjóðandi.

Þá sagði Jonni honum að það væri hið besta mál – væri allt í lagi. – Það væri mikilvægt fyrir konuna að sjá hvernig maður liti út sem væri hættur að drekka, veiða, ríða út og stunda kynlíf.

What happened to the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.

What can save a dying blond?
Hair transplants.

Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

Why did the blond climb up to the roof of the bar?
He heard that the drinks were on the house.

What happens when a blond gets Alzheimer's disease?
His I.Q. goes up!

What did the blond get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

What do you call a blond golfer with an I.Q. of 125?
A foursome.

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:

“I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!”

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hon, this looks like yours!'"

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

"Hey dad look I'm white!" His dad kicks his ass, and says "alright go show your mother". "Hey mom look I'm white!" His mom beats the shit out of him then says "go show your gradma". "Hey gradma look I'm white" she beats his ass and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "yeah I've learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers".