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Two Ways to Look at Everything
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 Flight attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that: On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
Playing Poker
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !
Nokkrir ljóskubrandarar
How does a blonde commit suicide? What happened to the suicide blonde? What can save a dying blond? Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? Why did the blond climb up to the roof of the bar? What happens when a blond gets Alzheimer's disease? What did the blond get on his I.Q. test? What do you call a blond golfer with an I.Q. of 125? How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
Difference in Men and Women's Friends
Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Tickle Me Elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says: “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!”
Do you believe?
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Golf mistake
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hon, this looks like yours!'"
Pearly Gates
A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates: "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago."
On a desert island
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Guinness Book Of World Records
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world"
In Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Racism
There is this black kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look I'm white!" His dad kicks his ass, and says "alright go show your mother". "Hey mom look I'm white!" His mom beats the shit out of him then says "go show your gradma". "Hey gradma look I'm white" she beats his ass and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "have you learned anything from this?" The kid says "yeah I've learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers".
The Letter
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note: Dear Becky, Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
The Pope
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to ! 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keep! s the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Being blonde
Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. So they went home
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Bush And Rumsfeld
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Tech Support
Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
The honeymoon
A man met a beautiful woman. They fell in love, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice Caribbean resort. The first morning, they were lying by the pool when the husband got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. He followed that with a triple-twisting dive in jackknife position before he again The new bride said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other! as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Detroit and I worked both sides of the river."
The fortune
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his...... ...stepmother.
Train Ride
At midnight, a middle-aged man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to see his relative back east. As he stepped up into the train car, he noticed that the car was almost empty except for a young beautiful nun who sat by herself reading a Bible. The man sat next to her, hoping to get some companionship during the long ride. However, the nun paid no attention to him. She just kept on reading the Bible without even looking up to him or saying a word. Half an hour went by slowly and silently, which made the man more and more anxious to start a conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turned around and said, "Dear sir, do you believe in God?" The man replied, "Yes, I do." Nun: "Have you read the bible? Do you know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap? Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157." The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly until the train reached the East Coast. The next day, he opened up the Bible and was shocked to read line 23: "Heaven is a little bit higher."
Children
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with 3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong 5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too 8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year 10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't 14. Pool filters do not like Jelly. 15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very 18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like 20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing. True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
Gender issues
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; The women won the debate...
Don't Mess With Grandma
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
When speeding
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
The Swiss Tourist
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y' know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Confession
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "I cannot say father, please." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Brydie Sharon?" "I'm sorry, but I will not name her." "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "My lips are sealed, Father." "Was it Fiona McDonald then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Taking a bath
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked: "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said: "Not yet, honey
Gotta love that fairy!
A man and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Oxygen mask
A Jewish man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his faceand hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black? "Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved hispenis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!" At this point the Jewish man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, ...."Are my test results back???"
Electric bill
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news : I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Christmas Memos
DECEMBER 1, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Radisson Hotel and Suites. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 2, 2003
Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 3, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange - no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 7, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 9, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 10, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at the Radisson Hotel whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! Patty Lewis Human Resources ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 14, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
Whistling doctor
A young new doctor was doing his residency in OB, but he was quite embarrassed about performing female pelvic exams. To hide his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. One day, while performing this exam on a middle-aged lady, his patient suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
What things cost..
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Would you?
An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool next to a beautiful woman. After a couple of minutes pass he turns to her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed with me for a million dollars?" She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a million dollars, I sure would." The man then asks, "Would you go to bed with me for a quarter?" The woman gets angry and says, "Just what do you think I am?" "Well," the man says, "we have established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price."
Modern times
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is hot down here!
The Big Test
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"
Randy The Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Firm this up!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
A blonde and her dogs
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Pregnancy Q & A:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
Waht the fcuk!
Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a
Potty training
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? A three-year-old boy, Danny, had had lot of problems with potty training and his mom was on him constantly. One day the family stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, Danny's mom smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then she realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." Danny's mom kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" She just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, she asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was following the speed limit exactly! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a hazard to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 miles an hour!" The old woman says a bit proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Curtains for the computer
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have And the blonde says: Helloooo.... I've got Windows!
Employee evaluation
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity." "This associate is really not so much a has-been, "Works well when under constant supervision "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should not be allowed to breed." "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy
What kills you
In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and the heart In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day, on average. Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want.
United airlines
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS TO be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public-address microphone. "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate". With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
Women believe...
Women believe if a pet cat strays, Women believe if a pet dog strays, Women believe if a woman strays, Women believe if a man strays,
Viagra Housewife
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife... Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 9 Day 10 Day 11 Day 12 Day 13 Day 14 Day 15 Day 16 Day 17 Day 18
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs? 1. Think you can get me off?
Five Men
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says,
On Trial
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
An American Soldier
The train was very crowded, so a soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, and one has a large cross around his neck while the other is wearing a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross and ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar wearing the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. Upon hearing this, the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says, "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"
Who loves Jesus?
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore, where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window, and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach," and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother trucker" or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and began walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, so I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Don't Jump!
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge who was threatening to jump, when the station suddenly cut to a commercial. Blonde: "Okay." (Back to the newscast: He jumped!) Blonde: "Okay, I lost. Here's my $20." Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it." Blonde: "I insist. I lost." Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet." Blonde: "I know! I saw the same newscast at 6:00 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"
The produce boy
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
The things I learned from mom
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 4. My mother taught me about LOGIC. 5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT. 6. My mother taught me about IRONY. 7. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 8. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 12. My mother taught me about ENVY. 13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. 16. My mother taught me about ESP. 17. My mother taught me about HUMOR. 18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 19. My mother taught me about GENETICS. 20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
Joe and John
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch that whole day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back to shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Bonus Question
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased... Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." This student received the only A.
Hot air balloon
A man is flying around in a hot air balloon. He suddenly realises that he's lost, so he reduces his altitude and approaches a man on the ground below. He shouts "excuse me, can you tell me where I am?". The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet of the ground". To which the balloonist replies, "you must work in information technology". The man on the ground says "yes, how did you know?". "Well, everything you told me was technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man on the ground says, "you must work in business". "Yes", the balloonist says, "how did you know?". "Well, you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to provide help. You're in the same position as before, but now it's my fault."
The pregnant lady
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
The secret of the perfect relationship
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is really important that these four men don't know each other.
Drug store
A woman walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". "To kill my husband.." "I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't sell you any for that reason." The woman then hands him a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. He looks at the photo and says, "My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Brain transplant... anyone?
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a The doctor quickly responded, The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
I can't feel my legs
Patient: Nurse! I can't feel my legs!
Mr Bush at the doctors
President BUSH went for a check up. His doctor said: "Mr. President, I am sorry to inform you, that you have a problem in your BRAIN. Your brain has two parts, one Left and one Right. The Left Part has nothing right in it, and the Right Part has nothing left in it."
NYC bartenders
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. Drink: Beer Drink: Blender Drinks Drink: Mixed Drinks Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Drink: White Zinfandel Drink: Shots Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
The fishing trip
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Pope The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a The Pope looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept
In the elevator
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face
Morris and Esther
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but
The new drink
A girl and her new boyfriend go to the pub. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice. She says: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
Is daddy home?
The boss of a big company needs to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
Aging Mildred
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to enquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Being married
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now" He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? How? Does it look like I have a G.E. Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied: Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Fine," she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a dang carpender and I don't want to fix steps", he says. "Does it look like I have ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" he asks his wife. She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake." "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asks, to which she replied:
Marketing explained
Just to have a check on whether you learnt it the right way at University...
* You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?". * You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" * You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?". * You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?". * You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Atlantic City
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already onboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. It was signed; Eddie Murphy
The photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the "proxy" father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you", Mrs. Smith cut in. "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too." The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment ?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? .... Madam?.........."
To be six
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Coca Cola and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Little Billy on...philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and She calls on little BILLY. The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
Clever dad
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
The son in law
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, She entered and observed her husband sitting on the sofa,
Lights out
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would freak him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
The ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Comments by kids
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. *** A small boy is sent to bed by his father. *** An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" *** One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." *** It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." *** When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" *** A little boy was doing his math homework. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." *** One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
The advertisement
The following ad was found in "The Atlanta Journal": SINGLE BLACK FEMALE,Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
restroom wall philosophy
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" No matter how good he looks, some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. No wonder you always go home alone. Beauty is only a light switch away. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. The following ad was found in "The Atlanta Journal": SINGLE BLACK FEMALE,Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
The Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
The statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."
Support in rough times
Support in rough times... When you had an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".
The miser
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
WHEN DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
What I've learned
What I've learned as I've matured---- I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had! better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Painting when blonde
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... "For best results, put on two coats"
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