Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department."
Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method."

Lögregluþjónn stöðvaði mann á nýjum Mersedes Benz á Vesturlandsvegi og auk ökumanns, sem var virðulegur eldri maður, var konan hans í bílnum.

Lögreglumaðurinn: "Þú ókst að minnsta kosti á 120 km hraða og veist væntanlega að leyfilegur hámarkshraði er aðeins 90 km á klst."
Maðurinn: "Nei þetta er ekki rétt hjá þér, ég var á tæplega 100."
Konan: "Láttu ekki svona elskan mín, þú varst á 140, ég sá það."

Lögreglumaðurinn: "Ég þarf að taka fram á sektarmiðanum að annað bremsuljósið er brotið."
Maðurinn: "Brotið bremusljós? Ég vissi það ekki!"
Konan: "Æ, elskan mín, þú veist alveg að það er búið að vera brotið í nokkrar vikur."

Lögreglumaðurinn: "Ég þarf líka að taka fram að þú hafir ekki verið með öryggisbelti."
Maðurinn: "Heyrðu, láttu nú ekki svona ég losaði mig úr beltinu þegar þú stoppaðir mig."
Konan: "Elsku dúllan mín, ekki rugla svona, þú notar aldrei öryggisbeltið."

Maðurinn var greinilega orðinn frekar pirraður á konunni, snýr sér að henni og öskrar:
"Reyndu nú að þegja einu sinni!"

Lögreglumanninum fannst þetta nokkuð skondið, snéri sér að konunni og spurði:
"Frú, talar maðurinn þinn alltaf svona við þig?"

Konan: "Nei Jesús, nei! Bara þegar hann er fullur."

A man met a beautiful woman. They fell in love, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice Caribbean resort.

The first morning, they were lying by the pool when the husband got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. He followed that with a triple-twisting dive in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

The new bride said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other! as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Detroit and I worked both sides of the river."