Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his......

...stepmother.

Men never learn.

At midnight, a middle-aged man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to see his relative back east. As he stepped up into the train car, he noticed that the car was almost empty except for a young beautiful nun who sat by herself reading a Bible. The man sat next to her, hoping to get some companionship during the long ride.

However, the nun paid no attention to him. She just kept on reading the Bible without even looking up to him or saying a word. Half an hour went by slowly and silently, which made the man more and more anxious to start a conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger.

She turned around and said, "Dear sir, do you believe in God?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

Nun: "Have you read the bible? Do you know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap? Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157."

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly until the train reached the East Coast. The next day, he opened up the Bible and was shocked to read line 23: "Heaven is a little bit higher."

For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about
4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long
way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk
on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very
expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some
of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy ****! A
talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil", however, is masculine "le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval;
and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem;
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won the debate...