| permalink |
 |
|
|
|
 |
Blindur maður á bar
Blindur maður villist inn á kvennabar, finnur sér stól við barborðið og pantar sér í glas. Þegar hann er búinn að sitja nokkra stund kallar hann í barþjóninn: - Heyrðu, á ég að segja þér ljóskubrandara? Á sömu stundu dettur allt í dúnalogn á barnum, þar til konan við hlið blinda mannsins segir við hann með lágri, dimmri rödd: - Áður en þú segir þennan brandara, góði minn, þá held ég að það sé réttast – af því að þú ert nú blindur – að ég fræði þig um fáein atriði: Blindi maðurinn hugsar sig um andartak, hristir svo höfuðið og segir: - Nei, ætli það. Ekki ef ég þarf svo að útskýra hann fimm sinnum.
 Electric bill
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news : I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Christmas Memos
DECEMBER 1, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Radisson Hotel and Suites. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 2, 2003
Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 3, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange - no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 7, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 9, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Resources Director ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 10, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at the Radisson Hotel whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! Patty Lewis Human Resources ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DECEMBER 14, 2003 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
|
||||||||||||||||||||
