On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool next to a beautiful woman. After a couple of minutes pass he turns to her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed with me for a million dollars?"

She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a million dollars, I sure would."

The man then asks, "Would you go to bed with me for a quarter?"

The woman gets angry and says, "Just what do you think I am?"

"Well," the man says, "we have established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price."

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy
didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Lögfræðingur einn keypti sér glænýjan BMW og gat ekki beðið eftir að sýna félögum sínum gripinn, en þegar hann opnar hurðina á bílnum fyrir utan skrifstofuna sína kemur trukkur á fullri ferð og rífur hurðina af bílnum.

Lögfræðingurinn stekkur út og öskrar NEEEIIIII!

Stuttu síðar mætir lögregla á svæðið. Lögfræðingurinn öskrar á lögreglumanninni:

FÍFLIÐ Á TRUKKNUM KEYRÐI HURÐINA AF BMW-inum MÍNUM!!!

"Þú ert lögfræðingur er það ekki" sagði löggan.

"Jú, hvernig vissir þú það" svaraði lögfræðingurinn furðu lostinn.

"Eina fólkið sem ég veit um sem er svona upptekið af veraldlegum gæðum eru lögfræðingar. Ég þori að veðja að þú tókst ekki einu sinni eftir því að það vantar á þig vinstri hendina".

Lögfræðingurinn leit á hliðina á sér og öskraði "NEEEEIII! ROLEX ÚRIÐ MITT!!!"

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Gömul kona stóð í stefni skemmtiferðarskipsins.

Hún hélt fast í hattinn sinn svo hann fyki ekki brott með vindinum. Herramaður gekk til hennar og sagði "Fyrirgefðu frú, en vissir þú að kjóll þinn blæs upp í þessum vindi?

"Já ég veit það", sagði konan, "Ég þarf að nota báðar hendurnar til þess að halda hattinum á sínum stað." "En frú mín, þú hlýtur að átta þig á því að hið allra helgasta blasir við þeim fjölmörgu sem standa hér", sagði herramaðurinn kurteislega.

Gamla frúin leit niður, og síðan á herramanninn og svaraði;
"Góði minn, allt sem þú sérð þarna niðri er 85 ára gamalt. Þennan hatt keypti ég í gær."