"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This associate is really not so much a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards
and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts,
the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy
that holds them all together."

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and
the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the
heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio
is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and the heart
disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in North America and the UK.

In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day, on average.

Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want.
It's speaking English that kills you.

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS TO be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public-address microphone. "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

Women believe if a pet cat strays,
it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays,
it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays,
it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays,
it's because men are scum.