A man is flying around in a hot air balloon. He suddenly realises that he's lost, so he reduces his altitude and approaches a man on the ground below. He shouts "excuse me, can you tell me where I am?".

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet of the ground". To which the balloonist replies, "you must work in information technology". The man on the ground says "yes, how did you know?".

"Well, everything you told me was technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man on the ground says, "you must work in business". "Yes", the balloonist says, "how did you know?".

"Well, you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to provide help. You're in the same position as before, but now it's my fault."

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. Finally on her fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant
condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are
coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick" and I could hardly
contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident...I just lost it."

Needless to say.. the case was dismissed.

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is really important that these four men don't know each other.

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

"To kill my husband.."

"I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't sell you any for that reason."

The woman then hands him a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the druggist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says, "My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Þórhallur prestur vaknar á sunnudagsmorgni og sólin skín. Hann ákveður
að í dag ætli hann að segjast vera veikur og hann komist ekki til messu.
Svo hann hringir í annan prest, tilkynnir veikindin, nær svo í
golfsettið sitt og læðupokast upp á golfvöll í þeirri von að enginn sjái
hann. Á vellinum er ekki nokkur maður svo ráðabrugg Þórhalls prests
ætlar að ganga upp. Uppi í Himnaríki snýr Lykla-Pétur sér að Guði og
spyr: "Guð, ætlarðu að láta vígðan manninn komast upp með þetta?" Guð
horfir niður á Þórhall prest þar sem hann slær teighöggið. Kúlan flýgur
420 metra í fallegum boga, skoppar einu sinni á flötinni og rennur svo
beina leið ofan í holuna! Kraftaverkahögg! Lykla Pétur lítur
skilningsvana á Guð og spyr: ,,Hversvegna í ósköpunum léstu hann fara
holu í höggi?" Drottinn svarar: ,,Hverjum á hann að segja frá þessu?!"

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces." The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
hope. You will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded,
"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."

Nonni litli var aðeins farinn að velta fyrir sér lífinu og tilverunni og einn daginn fór hann til pabba síns og spurði hann: "Hvað eru stjórnmál?"
Pabbi hans svaraði: "Jú sjáðu til, það er kannski best að ég útskýri það á
þennan hátt:
Ég vinn fyrir fjölskyldunni og þess vegna skulum við kalla mig Auðmagnið. Mamma þín stýrir heimilinu og ræður útgjöldunum og þess vegna skulum við kalla hana Stjórnvöld. Við erum til þess að sinna þörfum þínum svo við skulum kalla þig Fólkið. Við getum síðan haldið áfram og kallað barnfóstruna Öreiga. Litla bróður þinn skulum við kalla Framtíðina. Farðu nú og veltu þessu fyrir þér og athugaðu hvort þetta kemur ekki heim og saman. þannig að Nonni litli fór í háttinn og hugsaði stöðugt um það sem pabbi hans sagði honum.

Um nóttina vaknar hann upp við grátinn í bróður sínum. þegar hann kemur inn í herbergi hans finnur hann fljótt að bleian hans er blaut og mikil fýla af henni. Hann fer inn í svefnherbergi foreldra sinna og finnur mömmu sína sofandi. þá fer hann að herbergi barnfóstrunnar og finnur að hurðin er læst. Hann kíkir inn um skráargatið og sér föður sinn í rúminu með barnfóstrunni.

Að lokum gafst Nonni litli upp og fór aftur í herbergi sitt og sofnaði.
Næsta morgun segir hann við föður sinn. "Pabbi, ég held núna að ég skilji hvað stjórnmál ganga út á." Gott segir faðirinn, segðu okkur frá því. þá sagði Nonni litli: " Jú sjáðu til, á meðan Auðmagnið riðlast á Öreigunum er Ríkisstjórnin steinsofandi. Fólkið er hundsað og Framtíðin er í djúpum skít...

Patient: Nurse! I can't feel my legs!
Nurse: I know, we had to amputate your arms.

President BUSH went for a check up. His doctor said:

"Mr. President, I am sorry to inform you, that you have a problem in your BRAIN. Your brain has two parts, one Left and one Right. The Left Part has nothing right in it, and the Right Part has nothing left in it."