Two Ways to Look at Everything
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since"
My Gosh!' said my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
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Flight attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that:
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - tray-up, Bitch."
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Nýi ritarinn
"Sæll, hvernig hefurðu það?" spyr annar.
"Fínt," svarar hinn og bætir við, "til hamingju með nýja ritarann. Hún er geðveikt flott maður!"
"Takk fyrir það," segir sá fyrri og bætir við: "Hvort sem þú trúir því eða ekki, þá er þetta vélmenni."
"Ekki séns, hvar fékkstu svoleiðis?"
"Þetta er glænýtt módel beint frá Japan. Ég skal sýna þér hvernig hún virkar. Ef ég kreisti hægra brjóstið, býr hún til kaffi. Ef ég kreisti það vinstra, þá skrifar hún fundargerð. Og það er ekki allt. Hún virkar líka sem kynlífsdúkka!"
"Nei, nú ertu að grínast?"
"Neibb, aldeilis ekki. Viltu prófa?"
Hinn heldur það nú og tekur hana með sér á klósettið. Allt gengur vel framan af, en eftir dágóða stund heyrast ægileg sársaukavein: "Eaaaaaaaaa... hjálp! Neeeeeeeiiiii."
"Ónei," hugsar eigandinn upphátt, "ég gleymdi að segja honum að rassinn á henni er yddari!
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Playing Poker
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing underwear!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John then quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !
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Útigangsmaðurinn
Jonni var stöðvaður af útigangsmanni um daginn, sem lyktaði illa, gekk í lörfum og uppfyllti ímyndina af slíku fólki á allan annan hátt. Vesalingurinn var að sníkja af honum pening.
Tók Jonni upp veskið, dró úr því tvöþúsund kall og spurði útigangsmanninn hvort hann vildi ekki kaupa sér bjór fyrir þetta í staðinn fyrir mat?
,,Nei það geri ég ekki, ég hætti að drekka fyrir mörgum árum.” – svaraði hann.
,,Viltu ekki frekar nota þetta smáræði til þess að fara að veiða – frekar en að kaupa mat? spurði Jonni í framhaldinu.
,, Nei ég sólunda ekki tíma mínum í slíkan óþarfa” - var svarið.
,,Viltu þá ekki eyða þessu í reiðtúr?” spurði Jonni.
,,Ertu vitlaus maður – ég hef ekki farið á hestbak í 20 ár”
,,En hvað um að kaupa þér kjöltudans eða mellu eða eitthvað svoleiðis – ég bæti við penging ef þarf ?”
,,Ég fæ nú bara einhverja sjúkdóma út úr svoleiðis vitleysu!” Svaraði sá heimilislausi.
Þá sagði Jonni þessum ógæfusama manni að hann ætlaði ekki að gefa honum neina peninga – heldur vildi hann bjóða honum heim með sér í þennan líka dýrindis kvöldverð hjá konunni.
Þá varð vesalingurinn frekar hissa og spurði Jonna hvort hann héldi ekki að konan yrði reið að draga þennan líka flækinginn inn í húsið – sem bæði lyktaði illa og væri svo illa til fara að engu húsi væri bjóðandi.
Þá sagði Jonni honum að það væri hið besta mál – væri allt í lagi. – Það væri mikilvægt fyrir konuna að sjá hvernig maður liti út sem væri hættur að drekka, veiða, ríða út og stunda kynlíf.
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Nokkrir ljóskubrandarar
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What happened to the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.
What can save a dying blond?
Hair transplants.
Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.
Why did the blond climb up to the roof of the bar?
He heard that the drinks were on the house.
What happens when a blond gets Alzheimer's disease?
His I.Q. goes up!
What did the blond get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
What do you call a blond golfer with an I.Q. of 125?
A foursome.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)
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Difference in Men and Women's Friends
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Tickle Me Elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.
The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:
“I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!”
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Do you believe?
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
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Golf mistake
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hon, this looks like yours!'" |
